My ATM looks so different sober.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Come share oat with me in your robe
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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