A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
