Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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