Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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