Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
