Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
