Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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