She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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