having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
