I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
