i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
