I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Randomize
