I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
