you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So much Jack, so little girl.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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