how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
and i looked up. we had an audience...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
