Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
