walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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