Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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