My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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