I have demons in me.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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