After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
