I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
