We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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