upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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