"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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