My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
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Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The feeling are messing with the penis
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
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