was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
