it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i love accidental penises.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
