like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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