I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
