have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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