Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Randomize
