I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
