so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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