God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
