Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
