I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
