I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Randomize
