I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
