so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
