apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
