I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
