My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
