Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
