Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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