im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
