Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
