I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
