They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
