i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
fuck your aforementioned shoe
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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