I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
