I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
