So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
