youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
