So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
